


Supposed to Be

by westernsunset



Category: Tortall - Tamora Pierce
Genre: Gen, Period-Typical Homophobia, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-07-03 03:12:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15810132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westernsunset/pseuds/westernsunset
Summary: A heart-to-heart between Raoul and Duke Gareth--written for bingo over at fiefgoldenlake





	Supposed to Be

He’d first noticed it in his second year of page training. When he’d come back from a summer at Goldenlake he was more aware of his year mate’s appearances. Although awareness was putting it mildly. Raoul had noticed boys showing up in his dreams. Dreams which made him excited, nervous and ashamed by turns. The only thing he could be thankful for was that his shameful desires were confined to the night.

Until they weren’t.

In some particularly dull classes, Raoul started to notice his mind wandering to his friends’ shoulders, their strong jaws, the slopes of their backs. He’d think about their hands, how it might feel to have their bodies pressed against his. When he would snap himself out of his fantasies he would try as best he could to replace his friends with the girls he saw at banquets. That didn’t usually work. Raoul understood he was supposed to find the girls pretty, and he did, but he didn’t daydream, or actually dream, about them the way he did about boys.

And that terrified him. He knew what he was expected to do as the oldest son of a prominent noble family. He’d complete his training, serve the crown, marry a well-mannered girl from another powerful family, and have children that could carry on his name. He could do the knighthood just fine, but he didn’t understand how he was supposed to marry a woman. And there wasn’t anyone he could talk to about it. He knew what everyone said about people like him. He’d heard, and even made, jokes about the type of men who bedded other men.

As the fourth year pages drew closer to the end of their page training and into becoming squires, Raoul grew more despondent. As a squire he’d be expected to go to balls, court ladies, kiss them, talk to all his friends about who he’d want to bed or marry. He couldn’t do it. He knew he couldn’t do it. And if he couldn’t even fake his way through social engagements as a squire how was he supposed to live the rest of his life.

Which was how he found himself on the palace wall one night after he was supposed to be asleep.

He sat on the edge of the palace wall, thinking about how easy it would be to just let go and slip forward. Everyone would chalk it up to the rigors of page training. Of course his family would be devastated but they would probably be just as devastated if they or anyone were to find out what desires Raoul was trying to hide. Failing to produce an heir alone would humiliate his family, to say nothing of everything else.

“Raoul? What are you doing up here?”

The voice made him jump, and he gripped the bricks where he was sitting as tightly as he could to prevent himself from slipping off. As he carefully eased himself back to solid ground and away from the perch, he realized that he didn’t actually want to die. One little scare was all it took for Raoul to realize how reckless he was being, toying with his own life, his life he really did enjoy and want to hold on to.

With a little more hope than before (and more than a little embarrassment at being caught dangling himself over the palace wall) Raoul turned to see who had stumbled upon him.

Duke Gareth stood a couple feel away, looking concerned. Raoul felt his cheeks burn. The duke was stern, but Raoul knew he wanted the best for all the pages. To have caused the duke to worry made Raoul feel ashamed, particularly since he’d been caught in a moment of weakness.

As in all moments of discomfort, Raoul tried humor. “Would you believe me if I said it was a nighttime stroll with a brief detour to really take in the view of the city?”

“After you’re supposed to be asleep? I’ve taught you better than that. So what are you actually doing up here?”

Raoul bit his lip, trying to think of a lie that the duke would believe that wouldn’t get him in too much trouble.

Before he could, the duke said, “Raoul, people are worried about you.”

Anger flared up in Raoul’s chest. Anger at his friends for being so nosy and trying to be involved in his life was quickly replaced by a deeper, burning anger at himself for failing to cover up his discomfort, his secrets, his confusion.

“I’m fine,” was all he said.

“I know. You’re doing excellently in training and your studies haven’t slipped. Quite frankly I wouldn’t have noticed a change but Gary mentioned you’d been more withdrawn lately.”

Of course Gary noticed. Gary noticed everything.

“I was willing to overlook any moodiness to your youth, but now…” Duke Gareth trailed off. He looked out over the wall to the flickering torches of Corus and fiddled absently with one of the rings on his hand.

Raoul didn’t want to know what Duke Gareth thought now. What if he thought that Raoul wasn’t cut out to be a knight, or even a squire? But as scared as he was to hear the end of Duke Gareth’s sentence, the waiting was worse.

“Now…?” Raoul prompted. 

Duke Gareth sighed. “I’ve been training master for some time. Overseeing your education, preventing unnecessary fights, making sure you all live the Code of Chivalry, those things I can do. But every time I see one of my pages in trouble, I don’t know what to do.”

Raoul was taken aback. He’d never heard Duke Gareth talk like this, so honestly. 

“I don’t know what you’re going through,” the Duke continued. “But I know you’re drowning and you’re trying to hide that but you’re also desperately hoping someone can throw you a line and pull you in. And I wish I could do that but I don’t know how.”

Raoul blinked hard. He could feel the pinprick of tears behind his eyes. “It’s not—“ his voice croaked and he swallowed hard. “It’s not your job to fix me.” The words were out of his mouth before he had time to worry about follow up questions the Duke would ask.

“You don’t need fixing, not as far as I can tell. Emotions don’t need to be fixed. But as long as you’re a page, it’s my job to keep you safe. I know you may not want to talk about whatever it is you’re going through but it’s not weak to be scared or upset. It’s not against the Code of Chivalry to ask for help.”

“I know,” Raoul said. When Duke Gareth didn’t respond, he continued, “it’s not the Code that’s stopping me it’s...I just can’t talk about it.”

The two were silent for a bit, Raoul’s heart racing with fear that Duke Gareth would ask a follow up question or press the subject. But instead, he got up from where he was leaning.

“You have a massive amount of potential Raoul. You’re going to be a major asset to the realm one day, and for all our sakes, I hope you stick around to grow into the person I know you can be.”

“What if I can’t?” Raoul said, his voice sounding very much like the scared 14-year-old he was.

“Can’t what?”

“Can’t be the person I’m supposed to be.”

“You’re not going to be the person you’re supposed to be. You’re going to be the person you are. And that’s so much better. That’s what we need you to be.”

Raoul felt tears gather in his eyes. He turned his head but he heard Duke Gareth say, kindly “do you think you can do that?”

Raoul just nodded, his throat tight.

“I knew you could. Now let’s go in, it’s too cold out here for an old man.”

“Aren’t you going to give me punishment duty?” Raoul asked trying to joke.

Duke Gareth just looked at him, seriously. “No. Just promise me you’ll stop punishing yourself for whatever it is you’re feeling,” he said as he turned to go.

Raoul followed behind him, glad his training master couldn’t see the tears of relief in his eyes.


End file.
